Human beings have a habit of trying to make sense of the things that happen in this world. The things that don't match with our idea of what the world is or what our own lives are. We are so quick to think we’ve figured out the formula. If I do this and this and this I will acquire things that will make me happy. If I do this and this and this people will love and respect me. And when things don’t go as we’ve planned, according the formula that we were so sure that we figured out we spend time asking ourselves WHY?
Perhaps it’s because we still don’t fully submit ourselves to the fact that God and God alone is in charge of this universe. This world. The best thing that we can do is seek Him out and get in sync with Him and His will. The things that our minds can conceive of based on what we have seen with our eyes and heard with our ears are so minuscule in the vastness of what the Creator is capable of. Sometimes I wonder why it’s so easy for us to forget how vast the universe is and how small we are comparatively. There is so much that we don’t know about the things we do know about why do we think we know anything about the things we don’t know about.
These days I find myself reminding myself that God has a much better handle on this thing than I do. So I pray that His will be done as a way to remind myself of that fact. I will remind myself that I am His child and I will know that I am already protected. I will know that my path is laid out for me and that my future is secure. My child’s future and his children’s future as well. I will be still and know.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
When I First Turned To God
When I first turned to God I have to admit it was out of fear. I was in a dysfunctional relationship, raising my son on my own, my father the first love of my life had recently passed away and I was being physically and emotionally drained by the insanity on my job everyday. I turned to God because I was scared. If I am honest I will admit that I turned to him as a last resort. And He was there for me just the same. He welcomed me with open and loving arms. He comforted me through lonely nights, pain, and confusion. God comforts me still.
The best thing I have ever done for myself and my son was begin to actively and aggressively pursue a relationship with God. Doing all I could to understand His word and His purpose for my life I began to read the bible and have conversations with anyone who would talk to me about His goodness and His mercy. It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship and I fully credit My Creator for saving the life that He created in me.
I am an infant in my relationship and journey with God. It has been less than 2 years since I began to pursue God and His plan for me with enthusiasm. Each day I am more encouraged than the day before. With each story I read, with each testimony I hear, I am further and further convinced and convicted that there is a divine purpose for my life and for the lives of all of God’s people.
It fills my heart to know and understand that all the things that God did for those “bible days” people, He will do for me. They are my brothers and sisters and He is our father. Internalizing the stories and scenarios presented in the bible, seeing myself and my circumstances in this sacred and ancient text has made all the difference in my life.
The best thing I have ever done for myself and my son was begin to actively and aggressively pursue a relationship with God. Doing all I could to understand His word and His purpose for my life I began to read the bible and have conversations with anyone who would talk to me about His goodness and His mercy. It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship and I fully credit My Creator for saving the life that He created in me.
I am an infant in my relationship and journey with God. It has been less than 2 years since I began to pursue God and His plan for me with enthusiasm. Each day I am more encouraged than the day before. With each story I read, with each testimony I hear, I am further and further convinced and convicted that there is a divine purpose for my life and for the lives of all of God’s people.
It fills my heart to know and understand that all the things that God did for those “bible days” people, He will do for me. They are my brothers and sisters and He is our father. Internalizing the stories and scenarios presented in the bible, seeing myself and my circumstances in this sacred and ancient text has made all the difference in my life.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Trying A Little Tenderness
So for some reason spirit has been encouraging me to reach out to my son's father and offer him some encouraging words. Like so many relationships between two people who have created life together my relationship with my son's father has been unpleasant at best. He has been the proverbial absentee father only having seen our 8 year old son 6 times in his life. The last time being more than 3 years ago. I'm sure I don't have to mention that the support payments have been few and far between. I mean that goes along with the territory right.
With that said I have had all the feelings of rage, abandonment, sorrow and pain that go along with raising a child alone. But recently it has occured to me to take a step back and stop looking at the symptoms for a moment and begin to look at the illness. The illness that is a black man's burden. The disease that was released into his system when the first slaves were loaded onto that ship and set out for that treacherous journey. The disease that was accelerated once the slave holders got wind of Willie Lynch's genius plan to enslave the minds of these sable colored creatures and let the bodies follow.
In fairness to him I have to remember this disease that he inherited and judge him accorindgly. I am in no way excusing him from taking responsibility for his actions. I am simply saying that I will no longer participate in the kind of rhetoric that further perpetuates the sickness. I am certain that over the course of the time that we have known one another I have called this man a bitch far more times than I have called him by his own name. And perhaps if all of this name calling had yeilded a different result then I would feel justified in having done so. But the fact is that my degrading him verbally only reinforced his feeling of being afraid. Of being not good enough or man enough.
If I am to do my life's work in a manner that is pleasing to my Creator then I have to be careful with all of His creations. My baby daddy being one of them. I don't know if this change in my attitude and approach to him will make one bit of differnce in his life or his actions. Perhaps this revelation is less about him and more about me and the energy that I release into the universe. What I know is that I have been called upon to try a different approach with this man who somehow with all of his faults and shortcomings managed to bless me with the greatest gift I have ever received. My son is my protector, my companion, my conscious. I am able to look at him and see the very best of myself. What a beautiful sight to behold. And had it not been for this man. This man with whom my relationship has been unpleasant at best. I would not know the love and the joy that this child has brought to my life.
Regardless of how I feel about this man the fact remains that we created life together. This means that our child and our child's children and his children's children will forever carry on our blood. Our DNA is forever linked. From this day forth I will speak to him and of him with kindness or not at all. Out of respect for our ancestors. Out of respect for our future generations.
With that said I have had all the feelings of rage, abandonment, sorrow and pain that go along with raising a child alone. But recently it has occured to me to take a step back and stop looking at the symptoms for a moment and begin to look at the illness. The illness that is a black man's burden. The disease that was released into his system when the first slaves were loaded onto that ship and set out for that treacherous journey. The disease that was accelerated once the slave holders got wind of Willie Lynch's genius plan to enslave the minds of these sable colored creatures and let the bodies follow.
In fairness to him I have to remember this disease that he inherited and judge him accorindgly. I am in no way excusing him from taking responsibility for his actions. I am simply saying that I will no longer participate in the kind of rhetoric that further perpetuates the sickness. I am certain that over the course of the time that we have known one another I have called this man a bitch far more times than I have called him by his own name. And perhaps if all of this name calling had yeilded a different result then I would feel justified in having done so. But the fact is that my degrading him verbally only reinforced his feeling of being afraid. Of being not good enough or man enough.
If I am to do my life's work in a manner that is pleasing to my Creator then I have to be careful with all of His creations. My baby daddy being one of them. I don't know if this change in my attitude and approach to him will make one bit of differnce in his life or his actions. Perhaps this revelation is less about him and more about me and the energy that I release into the universe. What I know is that I have been called upon to try a different approach with this man who somehow with all of his faults and shortcomings managed to bless me with the greatest gift I have ever received. My son is my protector, my companion, my conscious. I am able to look at him and see the very best of myself. What a beautiful sight to behold. And had it not been for this man. This man with whom my relationship has been unpleasant at best. I would not know the love and the joy that this child has brought to my life.
Regardless of how I feel about this man the fact remains that we created life together. This means that our child and our child's children and his children's children will forever carry on our blood. Our DNA is forever linked. From this day forth I will speak to him and of him with kindness or not at all. Out of respect for our ancestors. Out of respect for our future generations.
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